I know how much rejection hurts and the fear of being vulnerable again is real, still show up in life and live. The agony of living a safe, protected and pain free life is more deadly than the pain caused by living in the midst of people who might and for certainly disappoint again.
I know relationships are hard work, love doesn't feel welcoming every day. Still fight for love. I don't know any other more worthy cause than the 'love fight.' The battle to exist in someone else's heart and mind fulfils our soul deepest longing and it's worth any sacrifice.
I know you already feel like all your effort to be a good person are wasted. Still, keep waking up and trying. For that's what being good is — showing up and putting oneself fully out there. After all we are not called to be perfect mums, wives, business women ... individuals, just devoted ones; who wake up every morning with the cry 'help me Jesus' then smearing lipstick on the lips go on doing their best.
I know you are disappointed with God. He has been unfair, mysterious and absent. Still, keep believing— who else is out there that breaths life, sheds truth and colours the world with beauty? A lot of us know that He can be trusted. He is not tamed, but he is so kind.
I know some days you feel like a failure. Keep showing up. Do what makes your heart sing. Press forward, even if the process is slow. We aren't meant to dance to other people's tunes. We were created to write our own story, sing our own melody, paint our own picture. Be brave. Show up daily, fully, intentionally!